SEO Nerds - Do You Even Prune Links, Brah?

SEO Nerd - Pruning Links Matt Cutts Style 

Bad SEO Client Agency Relationship

100 SEOs were surveyed for this made up study about the bad SEO client agency relationship. What was uncovered were 7 things that happen to bad SEO Clients. Below are the common complaints:

1) Putting client on mute (on conference calls)

A client might be put on mute because we're rolling eyes and cursing them. We often think it's a good thing we have conference calls instead of face to face meetings because we might be fired (or be tempted to fire the client).

2) Texting/Checking Facebook

An consultant might be multi-tasking because the client won't stop talking or whining, and they'd rather be on a social media site then participate in this conversation. Or they might be so bored of meaningless conversations (i.e. you don't do what I tell you) because they have the same one over and over.

3) Have someone else in conference room

An consultant might ask someone else to join a meeting because the client is either a liar or consultant needs another perspective of the client's stupidity. Consultants know when bad SEO clients don't do what they've suggested and know when you're making up a story to get out of doing the hard work needed to see results.

4) Day dreaming (about a better SEO client)

A consultant might be day dreaming during a conference call because the client is so annoying, or making excuses for not doing what is suggested. They often claim to *want to do SEO, but are constantly fighting the system. At this point the client is on their way to being fired if the consultant can afford to lose the business. Sometimes it's so bad, we count down the days to the end of the bad SEO client agency relationship.

5) Blind copying (or forwarding) client emails to other individuals

Consultants might blind copy or forward client emails to someone else in the organization or to others at the client's because they're still lying (refer back #3 ), and they need to show the decision makers the zero progress that's being made. Ultimately, the bad SEO client's lack of attention to the project is costing the consultant valuable time to work with another client.

6) Turning a Client in for Spamming

A client just might've made their life even harder once a consultant has proof they bought links while working with the agency. Now they've really pissed off an agency once it's been lied about it. Do they think the hired expert won't be able to figure it out? Refer back to #1. Consultants curse clients for being stupid and trying to hide it.

7) Yes, There Are Stupid Questions

As mentioned above, bad SEO clients make stupid mistakes. Your mom might have told you that there is no such thing as a stupid question, but consultants know better than that and the client should too. And no--one small implementation is not going to sky rocket the site to position 1. This problem comes from untrained clients.

The End
As the opening sentence says, this is a "made up study", but there's nothing really made up about these tales. These views are soley based on experience and opinions. However, to be fair - these are tales of the less desirable clientele - THE BAD SEO CLIENTS!

How to Email a Bad SEO Client in 6 Steps

I just sent the most epic email this morning. I have yet to see the repercussions for it because it only happened a few hours ago, but it is definitely a tale in how to email a bad SEO client.

How to Email a bad SEO Client

Step 1 - (Accidentally) copy the client

This is the most obvious step. Whether you mean to or not, you have to first copy the bad SEO client on the email string.

Step 2 - Be direct

In order to create an email for a bad SEO client, you must be direct. You must take every opportunity to state the facts and state them directly. Take all emotion out of it. Being a little frustrated will help too.

Step 3 - Threaten to Fire Them

Once you have been direct, it's time to really drive the point home of why you're sending this email. Casually throw in the email that you recommend their project either change direction or that you just let them go.

Step 4 - (Backhand) Compliment Them

The next step is to get a compliment in there somehow, even if it has to be a backhanded one.

Step 5 - (Attempt to) Recall the Message 

Once you realize you've got the client on this email, attempt to recall it, knowing full well that the recall feature doesn't work. So now, when your boss, your coworkers and the client see it - they also see you realized your baffling mistake when it was too late.

Step 6 - Do Nothing

And finally, now that the damage is done - do nothing. What else is there to do? You've done enough. If you email or call to apologize you just look like more of an idiot. Picture the client laughing at you at their computer, and everyone realizing it was a good thing that you sent this direct email. After all, you probably saved the client and the company a lot of time by getting the awkwardness out of the way.

The Back Story

We had an initial call with a new client yesterday, and for some reason he thought we built links. He said a lot of different things via email and on the phone that were very confusing. He said he had a manual penalty that was removed, he said he was hit by Panda but not by Penguin. He said we were too expensive to pay us for SEO on a monthly basis, and that he figured in month 1 we would fix all the SEO the site needed; then by month 2 or 3 he would need links because that's the only way to beat his competitors.

He then goes on to talk about all the blackhat SEO he's done, the terrible SEO companies he's worked with, but how it's been reversed. He blames Google for finding and indexing pages that they shouldn't. He says he hates Google and doesn't know what they're doing and why and that's it's stupid and frustrating.

He says he doesn't just want consulting but for us to actually implement. We say sure, let us look at the back end. Then he says he has coders and he only needs us to build links and implement SEO stuff only. He says he doesn't need knowledge transfer, and asks us to tell him what we tell people because he's already heard it.

All I can think is: why are you here and what do you want?

Bad SEO Clients Haikus - SEO Battlefield Haiku

SEO Battlefield Haiku 

Prepare for battle
SEO is a warzone
Prune links, warrior!

SEO Haiku - SEO Battlefield
Photo Credit: Nerd Army

Bad SEO Clients Haikus - Penguin SEO Haiku

Penguin SEO Haiku

Like the rising sun
SEO is a mad dash
Destroyed by Penguin

Penguin SEO Haiku Photo Credit: John Dalkin

Bad SEO Client Haikus - PPC Haiku

PPC Haiku

To do PPC
You do not need to know how
To do PPC

One thing I've learned in this industry is that fakers can make it. Even if there's a big brand and millions of dollars supporting it; fakers have a lot of authority.

Even if one area of expertise is not someone's specialty, they can still fake it till they make it. On several different occasions I've seen For Dummies books at people's desk because they have been thrown into a specialty when they are no specialist. Whether it's because the boss sold a new service or the position hadn't been filled yet; you do not always need to know how to do something.

Thus, the PPC haiku was born. One does not necessarily need to know how to do something to manage something. Ponder on that miraculous thought.

Lesson learned: fake it till you make it. 

Bad SEO Clients - Are You Scolding Me?!

"Are you scolding me?! If you are, that is totally inappropriate!", she said to me via email. Oh G0d, another epic bad SEO client.

Here was another project setup to fail. More bad clients that don't know a thing about the "internets". A typical day in the office.

We were managing this client's PPC accounts. We met the wife at a conference and she has no idea what to do with her website. It was getting redesigned, they were almost finished and she was thinking about dumping them. She felt like she knew more about the design of the site than they did. She decided to give us a try with PPC first, which is not our specialty especially when the quality of a site becomes a big issue with PPC campaigns.

So I'm assigned the project with an SEM analyst. She was very needy and every day wanted a phone call and wanted to adjust her campaigns. We went through 2 months of constant calls, emails and adjustments.

The analyst did everything he could to make their campaigns the best they could be, but they just weren't converting. They weren't converting because they had no quality PPC landing pages, they had no quality content, and they had no quality calls-to-action.

The short story: their redesign was basically a miserable failure.

So one day after about 2 months of this back and forth, I tell her via email that we're using up a lot of their time, and she needs to keep me in the loop of all the extra phone calls she's making directly the analyst.

And then she said, "Are you scolding me?! If you are, that is totally inappropriate! I have told you how important it is for us to stay in constant communication as our campaigns are not performing!"

Sorry lady, but your baby is ugly. You need more help than optimizing your PPC campaigns. You just redesigned and guess what? You need another redesign.