Tuesday, October 15, 2013

SEO Nerds - Do You Even Prune Links, Brah?

SEO Nerd - Pruning Links Matt Cutts Style 

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Bad SEO Client Agency Relationship

100 SEOs were surveyed for this made up study about the bad SEO client agency relationship. What was uncovered were 7 things that happen to bad SEO Clients. Below are the common complaints:

1) Putting client on mute (on conference calls)

A client might be put on mute because we're rolling eyes and cursing them. We often think it's a good thing we have conference calls instead of face to face meetings because we might be fired (or be tempted to fire the client).

2) Texting/Checking Facebook

An consultant might be multi-tasking because the client won't stop talking or whining, and they'd rather be on a social media site then participate in this conversation. Or they might be so bored of meaningless conversations (i.e. you don't do what I tell you) because they have the same one over and over.

3) Have someone else in conference room

An consultant might ask someone else to join a meeting because the client is either a liar or consultant needs another perspective of the client's stupidity. Consultants know when bad SEO clients don't do what they've suggested and know when you're making up a story to get out of doing the hard work needed to see results.

4) Day dreaming (about a better SEO client)

A consultant might be day dreaming during a conference call because the client is so annoying, or making excuses for not doing what is suggested. They often claim to *want to do SEO, but are constantly fighting the system. At this point the client is on their way to being fired if the consultant can afford to lose the business. Sometimes it's so bad, we count down the days to the end of the bad SEO client agency relationship.

5) Blind copying (or forwarding) client emails to other individuals

Consultants might blind copy or forward client emails to someone else in the organization or to others at the client's because they're still lying (refer back #3 ), and they need to show the decision makers the zero progress that's being made. Ultimately, the bad SEO client's lack of attention to the project is costing the consultant valuable time to work with another client.

6) Turning a Client in for Spamming

A client just might've made their life even harder once a consultant has proof they bought links while working with the agency. Now they've really pissed off an agency once it's been lied about it. Do they think the hired expert won't be able to figure it out? Refer back to #1. Consultants curse clients for being stupid and trying to hide it.

7) Yes, There Are Stupid Questions

As mentioned above, bad SEO clients make stupid mistakes. Your mom might have told you that there is no such thing as a stupid question, but consultants know better than that and the client should too. And no--one small implementation is not going to sky rocket the site to position 1. This problem comes from untrained clients.

The End
As the opening sentence says, this is a "made up study", but there's nothing really made up about these tales. These views are soley based on experience and opinions. However, to be fair - these are tales of the less desirable clientele - THE BAD SEO CLIENTS!

Thursday, June 13, 2013

How to Email a Bad SEO Client in 6 Steps

I just sent the most epic email this morning. I have yet to see the repercussions for it because it only happened a few hours ago, but it is definitely a tale in how to email a bad SEO client.

How to Email a bad SEO Client

Step 1 - (Accidentally) copy the client

This is the most obvious step. Whether you mean to or not, you have to first copy the bad SEO client on the email string.

Step 2 - Be direct

In order to create an email for a bad SEO client, you must be direct. You must take every opportunity to state the facts and state them directly. Take all emotion out of it. Being a little frustrated will help too.

Step 3 - Threaten to Fire Them

Once you have been direct, it's time to really drive the point home of why you're sending this email. Casually throw in the email that you recommend their project either change direction or that you just let them go.

Step 4 - (Backhand) Compliment Them

The next step is to get a compliment in there somehow, even if it has to be a backhanded one.

Step 5 - (Attempt to) Recall the Message 

Once you realize you've got the client on this email, attempt to recall it, knowing full well that the recall feature doesn't work. So now, when your boss, your coworkers and the client see it - they also see you realized your baffling mistake when it was too late.

Step 6 - Do Nothing

And finally, now that the damage is done - do nothing. What else is there to do? You've done enough. If you email or call to apologize you just look like more of an idiot. Picture the client laughing at you at their computer, and everyone realizing it was a good thing that you sent this direct email. After all, you probably saved the client and the company a lot of time by getting the awkwardness out of the way.

The Back Story

We had an initial call with a new client yesterday, and for some reason he thought we built links. He said a lot of different things via email and on the phone that were very confusing. He said he had a manual penalty that was removed, he said he was hit by Panda but not by Penguin. He said we were too expensive to pay us for SEO on a monthly basis, and that he figured in month 1 we would fix all the SEO the site needed; then by month 2 or 3 he would need links because that's the only way to beat his competitors.

He then goes on to talk about all the blackhat SEO he's done, the terrible SEO companies he's worked with, but how it's been reversed. He blames Google for finding and indexing pages that they shouldn't. He says he hates Google and doesn't know what they're doing and why and that's it's stupid and frustrating.

He says he doesn't just want consulting but for us to actually implement. We say sure, let us look at the back end. Then he says he has coders and he only needs us to build links and implement SEO stuff only. He says he doesn't need knowledge transfer, and asks us to tell him what we tell people because he's already heard it.

All I can think is: why are you here and what do you want?

Friday, May 31, 2013

Bad SEO Clients Haikus - SEO Battlefield Haiku

SEO Battlefield Haiku 

Prepare for battle
SEO is a warzone
Prune links, warrior!
SEO battlefield
SEO Haiku - SEO Battlefield
Photo Credit: Nerd Army

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Bad SEO Clients Haikus - Penguin SEO Haiku

Penguin SEO Haiku

Like the rising sun
SEO is a mad dash
Destroyed by Penguin

Penguin SEO Haiku Photo Credit: John Dalkin

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Bad SEO Client Haikus - PPC Haiku

PPC Haiku

To do PPC
You do not need to know how
To do PPC

One thing I've learned in this industry is that fakers can make it. Even if there's a big brand and millions of dollars supporting it; fakers have a lot of authority.

Even if one area of expertise is not someone's specialty, they can still fake it till they make it. On several different occasions I've seen For Dummies books at people's desk because they have been thrown into a specialty when they are no specialist. Whether it's because the boss sold a new service or the position hadn't been filled yet; you do not always need to know how to do something.

Thus, the PPC haiku was born. One does not necessarily need to know how to do something to manage something. Ponder on that miraculous thought.

Lesson learned: fake it till you make it. 

Friday, May 17, 2013

Bad SEO Clients - Are You Scolding Me?!

"Are you scolding me?! If you are, that is totally inappropriate!", she said to me via email. Oh G0d, another epic bad SEO client.

Here was another project setup to fail. More bad clients that don't know a thing about the "internets". A typical day in the office.

We were managing this client's PPC accounts. We met the wife at a conference and she has no idea what to do with her website. It was getting redesigned, they were almost finished and she was thinking about dumping them. She felt like she knew more about the design of the site than they did. She decided to give us a try with PPC first, which is not our specialty especially when the quality of a site becomes a big issue with PPC campaigns.

So I'm assigned the project with an SEM analyst. She was very needy and every day wanted a phone call and wanted to adjust her campaigns. We went through 2 months of constant calls, emails and adjustments.

The analyst did everything he could to make their campaigns the best they could be, but they just weren't converting. They weren't converting because they had no quality PPC landing pages, they had no quality content, and they had no quality calls-to-action.

The short story: their redesign was basically a miserable failure.

So one day after about 2 months of this back and forth, I tell her via email that we're using up a lot of their time, and she needs to keep me in the loop of all the extra phone calls she's making directly the analyst.

And then she said, "Are you scolding me?! If you are, that is totally inappropriate! I have told you how important it is for us to stay in constant communication as our campaigns are not performing!"

Sorry lady, but your baby is ugly. You need more help than optimizing your PPC campaigns. You just redesigned and guess what? You need another redesign.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Bad SEO Clients - You're Mean!

"She's just....mean", he said to the President's assistant. Another typical bad SEO client, that just does not like to hear about what he's contracted to get.

mean frog
That's me: the mean project manager
 What I can't figure out is why he's so upset with me when I am just the messenger....wait - I think I just answered my own question. He must blame me because I'm the main point of contact, yet not the analyst. Unfortunately, I cannot control how and when the analyst does their job.

He has one of the smallest projects we offer, he basically gets nothing for a couple thousand dollars a month by contract. However, he got 3x as much work for no extra cost. The problem was the analyst did whatever he thought he needed, and not exactly what the client wanted OR what the contract stated. So I'm always the bearer of bad news.

He got project plans and status updates from me. What he also heard was that his time was up and he would have to wait another week or so until we do more work. He wanted more work in less time. Why would we sell such a shit project, you ask? I really don't know. I guess the President wanted to do the small business a favor and keep the money coming in. This was not the first time we've had this kind of project, and ALL of which have ended terribly. I guess the big honch thought this one would be different

At this point in time we did not know he had a terrible linking problem, because well....he is supposed to get 6 to 8 hours of our time a month and that really only leaves us with enough time to DO things, not research a lot.

So his rankings are not moving and we continue to do work and he continues to pay and whine about paying. He gets project updates from me and does not like what he's hearing. He calls to complain like a typical bad SEO client and gets the President's assistant. Apparently, I'm mean.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Asshat SEO - We Want More - Bad SEO Clients

Bad SEO clients always WANT MORE! Why do they want more? BECAUSE MORE IS BETTER! The problem is, more = more $$$ AND more does not equal INSTANT better.

And that's why this video is exactly what's wrong with bad SEO clients in this industry. Asshats...

Asshat SEO - You Can't Fix Stupid - Bad SEO Clients

I met a new bad SEO client in October 2012. Not only is he a bad SEO client, he is an asshat too. He out does the original (OG) asshat from a couple years ago. This guy really takes the cake, I mean he is the biggest a-hole on the planet. OG Asshat has got nuthin' on this guy.

He is used to push button SEO; thus he really screwed himself with purchased links. Unfortunately for production, during the sales process we included a clause that said "consultant and client agrees to X goal by X date. Consultant makes no guarantees but will put forth best effort to achieve these goals". The first sentence is all that matters, as far as he's concerned he is always doing his best and will make sure we do everything possible to increase his traffic by 10,000%. That's what our traffic estimator tool determined - 10,000% increase in potential for his keywords.

This guy makes my blood boil so I have to keep remembrances to a minimum. The first couple hiccups in the project went a little something like this.

In a matter of 2 weeks asshat said his team had finished all of our recommendations from a site review. We know that's impossible, but we went along with it so as not to alarm them of their stupidity. Also keep in mind this dream team had just completed a week long SEO course and swore they knew exactly what they were doing.

Apparently we went "along with it" too long and after telling them it wasn't actually completed, asshat blew up. He claims we took too long to check their work and if it took them 2 weeks to do everything why isn't their entire site reviewed and fixed in 4 weeks.

Hmmmm, I don't know asshat, maybe because you project is X amount of hours and not 100 hours? Maybe because I don't have to reply to your emails within 5 minutes. And maybe because you are not entitled to 8 hours of my day every day. I have other work - get over it. The irony is he is actually getting 3 times more work than he's paying for. I guess the squeaky asshat gets the SEO oil.

Lesson: you can't fix stupid

Asshat SEO - Hey Asshat!

asshat girl

SEO: Hey Asshat! Whatcha up to?

Asshat: Not much, just buyin links and doin what I do best!

Friday, May 3, 2013

Asshat SEO [COMIC] - Series 1

Asshat SEO Comic Series 1

asshat seo comic
Asshat SEO comic strip

SEO: Hey - I got you a hat!

Asshat: Why? I already have a hat.

SEO: This one's for you ass.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Bad SEO Client Case Study - Your SEO is Complete

The following Bad SEO Client Blog post is slightly embellished for entertainment purposes… but only slightly. 

The client – we’ll call them “Super Awesome, Inc.” – needs SEO help. They sign on with us for a year. A year. One calendar year. 52 weeks, 365 days in succession. Their contract starts today; it ends a year from today. By the time we’re done with this client, we will have gone through all four seasons and we will all be a full year older. Let’s just keep that perspective in mind. Just to clarify, you, our loyal reader, are X years old as you read this. By the time this contract is done with Super Awesome, Inc., you will be X+1. That means you’ll be a full year older.

Let’s also keep in mind that Super Awesome, Inc. has spent the past 10 years fucking up their website. Buying links, stuffing keywords into alt tags, putting black text on a black background, etc. When they finally decide they need help, we say, “Great – we can help. We’ve picked apart your website a bit and see where a lot of the problems may be.” Super Awesome, Inc’s CEO – we’ll call him “Jimmy D. Bag” – signs the agreement for a year and we get to work.

We have our first meeting with them 2 weeks into the project and show them the preliminary findings on their fucked-up site. In a nice way, we tell Mr. Bag, that his site is super-awesomely fucked up. It is no longer Super Awesome as their business name implies.

“Mr. Bag, in our preliminary research, these are the numerous problems we found with your site.” 

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence and an angry sigh from their end of the conference line, Mr. Bag proceeds to ask a question which, in his mind, is a very eloquent one since he likes to think of himself as a no-nonsense, shoot-from-the-hip, tell-it-like-it-is kinda guy… not an ignorant, impatient asshole with no concept of reality. Indeed, his question is so profound in his mind that he believes he is about to turn the world of SEO on its head with his insightful revelation.

Bad client: “If you saw all these problems, why didn’t you fix them?!” 
SEO: “…Beg pardon?”

Bad client: “Jesus H- (unintelligible grunting/growling sound). We’re paying you for SEO, right?”

SEO: “Right.”

Bad client: “So, if you’re finding all these problems, why aren’t they fixed?!”

SEO: “Not following, Mr. Bag.”

Bad client: “What are we paying you for?! I don’t care what the problems are! I just want them fixed! Isn’t that what we’re paying you for?!”

SEO: “Mr. Bag, we’re two weeks into the project. This is going to take at least a year to fix – probably more.”

Bad client: “Bullshit! It can’t be that hard!”

SEO: “You’re right, Mr. Bag, it’s not. We were just kidding. We fixed everything in two weeks. Your SEO is complete.” 
Aaaaaaaaaaand…we hung up the phone. Keep sending the checks, Mr. Bag, and thanks for being another bad SEO client for the Blog.

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

A Bad SEO Client Jingle from SEO Project Managers

Sometimes not all clients are bad SEO clients, but it's our internal struggles that make us want to bash in our brains.

Today we couldn't get the Three's Company jingle out of our heads so decided to have a little fun and let out our frustrations....again....

Three’s Company – Project Management Version 

Come and walk in our cube… 
We’ve been avoiding you 
Where the meeting notes are hers and hers and his 
Three’s company too. 

Come and ruin our day… 
Deliver something’s that due 
It’s a stressful space you need to be put in your place 
Three’s company too. 

You’ll see that failure is chronic and clients are calling for you… 
Get in the conference room 
Three’s company too!!!

You Are a Bad Asshat SEO Client NOT Asset

asshat not asset
Dear Asshats - You are an ASS, and your ass sits on your head - you are an asshat, not to be confused with something useful like being an asset

Asshats are prime examples of bad SEO clients.

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

Just Admit It - Bad SEO Clients Buy Links

This conversation is partially accurate (inflated for humorous purposes)
Sample bad SEO client conversation:
SEO: You bought links, right?
CLIENT: Well, we didn’t buy links – we paid an agency and they bought links… for us.
SEO: So, then, you bought links.
CLIENT: (Indignantly) I wouldn’t say that.
SEO: (Sigh) So, what would you say happened, then?
CLIENT: I already told you – we hired an agency who may have bought links and had them pointed at our site.
SEO: So then, there are links out there that point to your site that someone paid for, right?
CLIENT: Well… we didn’t tell them to buy links for us…
SEO: Right… but there are links out there on the internet that point to your site, right?
CLIENT: Right.
SEO: And some of them you earned organically, right?
CLIENT: Right.
SEO: And the others were paid for… by someone… and those paid-for links point back to your site, right?
CLIENT: Well… I don’t know if that’s accurate…
SEO (violently hits the mute button on the Polycom): “Motherfucker, you bought links! You fucked your own site, you asshole! Just admit it!” Then the SEO looks down to see that the he missed the mute button – the client heard everything. A brief moment of panic fills his bugged-out eyes while he stares at the Polycom, begging for the light to magically turn red from green… five seconds ago. While that doesn’t happen, a very uncomfortable silence fills the room. Just before the SEO has a chance to apologize, the Client speaks up.
CLIENT: “Well, okay, I guess so. But I don’t think you need to-“
SEO: “Look, I’m sorry – it’s not you. It’s just that we deal with this all the time and no one wants to admit that they bought links or had someone else buy links for them… that and I totally missed the mute button before I cussed you out. So sorry about that… but can we move forward now? Now that we all know you bought links?”

Buying links is like watching porn

I heard a comedian a long time ago – back in the days of the 976-numbers when you could call a 976 number and get charged a few bucks to hear a sexy-voiced woman (who probably looked like a wildebeest with stubble) pretend to pleasure herself to your nerdy, pathetic, nasally-voice on the phone. The comedian had the crowd going. He was on a roll, until he mentioned something to do with how everyone watches porn… and the crowd went silent, aside from a couple of golf claps and polite, laugh-like murmurs. The comedian stared down the crowd kind of angrily, and said, “Oh… right… no one else here watches porn. It’s a 10-billion dollar-a-year industry and every year I get a bill for 10-billion dollars. Fuck you people.”

Buying links is kinda like that. Just admit you did it if you did it. It’s not like you did anything uniquely wrong. Wrong, sure – but not uniquely wrong. Doing something uniquely wrong is like what the Manson Family did. Buying links, aside from being like watching porn, is also akin to professional athletes doing steroids and popping HGH pills like peanut M&Ms. You all do it; you’re all breaking the rules; you all got caught – just move on and fix the problem, already.

We see tons of clients with absolutely wretched content, let alone overall subject matter that no one would ever willingly seek out, yet they have been ranking at the top of Google for, like, ten years for all kinds of (largely-irrelevant) keyword phrases that they clearly paid for. They come to us after getting knocked in the dirt by Penguin… then they have the nerve to try to tell us they never bought any links. Here’s another analogy to help you understand how ridiculous you sound when you deny that you bought links:

500-LB PATIENT: “Doctor, I’m feeling faint, my left arm is numb and my chest feels like there’s a Buick parked on top of it. What’s wrong?”
DOCTOR: “Your symptoms sound like a heart attack. How are your eating habits? Do you exercise?”  
500-LB PATIENT: “I jog 5 miles a day and I eat exclusively lean, white-meat chicken with green leafy vegetables daily for every meal.”
DOCTOR: “Yeah… you need open-heart surgery, fatass… and put down that fucking donut when you talk to me.”

You bought links, asshole. Just admit it - you're the perfect example of a bad SEO client.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Bad SEO Clients Ask Stupid Questions - They DO Exist!

First off, I do SEO. I am an SEO expert, that means I know my shit. I didn't just wake up last Tuesday and think "Gosh, I should do SEO and offer services to random people for money." I went to school, I attended courses I spend at least 3 hours a day reading the SEO updates, for the last decade. Basically, I know my shit and I don't like to be questioned.

Are bad SEO clients becoming more frequent, and more stupider-er?

This post is an introduction to the stupidest questions that I have been asked, not in 1996 when SEO was a new and mysterious thing, but in 2013 as SEO is the standard for any business with a website. It isn't a secret society of nerds in a basement anymore, we exist, we are in the world and yes we know our shit- don't question it.

This topic could go on forever, as I have learned there are really stupid people in the world, I will however refrain from a barrage of idiocy blurted on this page, similar to my inbox from stupid clients. I will stick to a few that just, irritate me to the point of writing this post.

Stupid Question:

Q: Can I just copy content from my competitors and out rank them?
A: No, that would be copyright infringement and duplicate content which are both negatives to your overall SEO campaign.

Pretty cut and dried right? You don't see a McDonalds banner outside of Burger King, or the Burger King website promoting a BK Big Mac- that shit ain't right. 

The idiocy continued-

2nd Q: Well, if I do that anyway won't Google just punish them? How do they know that THEY didn't copy me?
2nd A: You stupid **ck, REALLY? - oh wait I didn't say that .....
2nd A a- Google indexes webpages on a continual basis, at some point prior to you taking the content, Google has more than likely already attributed that page content to your competitor and indexed their URL for that content. So yes they will know that you are the second to use the same content and you will be negatively impacted by that process, it's also quite unethical.

You'd think, the business owner would say - OH, DARN! Nope, it continued. 

3rd Q: Well, if they are outranking me based on content, I should just use parts of their content and outrank them with their own words. I don't see how a search engine would know the difference, didn't they "index" my content already too.

At this point dear readers, I opened a beer. 

3rd A:  Yes, your content and webpages have been indexed in Google the search engines know how your site looked, so when you change the content it will index the new content ( in this situation your competitors' content). Google will then index the new content on your site and will again visit your competitors' as well. When they show up as the same content a 'flag' will go up within the software that is Google. It will flag yours as new content being duplicated as old content on another site. This makes you the website that copied the content, it's NEVER a good idea.

Second beer, feet on desk - feeling completely confident that this dude won't ask another question. 

4th Q: Oh, I see. Well what if I just use the competitor who isn't in the number one spot? So, I copy the URL in the fourth or fifth spot?

The fourth answer didn't come from me, I couldn't do it. I didn't respond, I did however get drunk on green bottle German Beer and thought about becoming a brewmaster instead of doing SEO.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Bad SEO Client Made Me Cry - It Was Over Before It Even Started

I got a new project and the very same day it began, was the very same day I was taken off the project. It was over before it even started. It was over before this bad SEO client bitch even saw how much of a bitch I could be, but she beat me to the punch.

Beginning of the Bitchy End

I got a project announcement that said it would be release to start the next day. I was swamped so I did not reach out to the bitch until a day after the official start date. We schedule a call by the end of the week and she sends over all of her background information. While I'm coordinating the call I'm in another meeting. Bitch states that she will send over what we need before the call. My brain does not remember that we already got everything we needed and I mistakenly tell her it would be helpful if we got everything before the call. I also did not answer a question she had in the email. This really pissed the bitch off and emailed me back saying that she was up until 2am sending me everything and I did not confirm I got it. Then hastily asked me to respond to her other question.

Bitchy Project Efficiency

This is what I refer to as efficiency. No matter how efficient I think I'm being - it backfires. And boy did the bitch rage backfire. I decided to call her back and just apologize and I sincerely thought it would work. I thought this would be ok, but I was already in a fragile state of a shitty busy week. She was still very concerned and she was not at all understanding of my mistake. She was appalled and what I had done and didn't think I would be a good match for the project. I again apologized and said this never happens and we hung up. I knew she'd call the boss next.

After the call I knew I was doomed, I stormed out of the office and cried. The bitch made me cry. You should feel sorry for me.

Bitch Problems

The boss talked to the bitch and filled me in on what her fuckin' problems were. She claimed accounting told her she'd get a call on Monday. The project was released on Tuesday, first contact made on Wednesday, and first call scheduled for Friday. The bitch should be grateful for that. However, we came to learn that she was pissed for two main reasons that I had no control over:

  1. did not get her call on Monday
  2. she was losing $500/day because of her shitty site

So with that, the project was reassigned because I was the "bitch"....ironic...

Bad SEO Client - Asshat SEO - Caught in a Bad Situation

This is the third installment of the Bad asshat SEO client chronicles. Full versions of installments 1 and 2 can be read in full if desired.

But if you're just jumping in, the recap for both are below:

Recap 1:
- Asshat was always an asshat, but it took awhile for everyone to notice.
- Asshat had it made, he was in charge, and no one questioned him.
- Asshat made mistakes.
- A different analyst came along to the project and began to hold him accountable.
- Asshat began sending hate mail.
- Asshat began to crumble in defeat.

Recap 2:
- Asshat was not doing his job
- Asshat was lying to us
- Asshat was lying to his boss and throwing us under the bus
- Asshat was caught & got more angry

After asshat began to crumble, his stories started to deteriorate very quickly and he was in a bad situation, he was being a VERY bad SEO client. He would say he knew what needed to be done on the call; then he'd send an email to one person asking for help. And help was exactly what he needed, and we all knew it. He needed help moving on! He turned from defensive to helpless and depression began to sit in. I know this because I watched his Google Plus updates. Maybe if he could manage his attitude like Dale Carnegie methods taught him; then maybe he'd figure out HE was the problem.

He was also very proud of being "one of the first Google+ adopters". I think at one point he called himself a Google+ innovative consultant. Based on his profile he is clearly very proud of himself and thinks his shit don't stink. I also remember at one point he showed redesign comps to his Google+ circles for feedback....because honestly, why wouldn't these innovators have some good advice? He was all proud of himself again. No one acknowledged that email.

Soon the owner began to ask more questions during meetings and via email and was finally getting the hint that Mr. Asshat wasn't doing his job. Multiple times we politely told him that what asshat was saying was simply not true and showed him screenshots. This put asshat in a really bad situation.

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Bad SEO Client - Asshat SEO - Anger Addition

Bad asshat SEO client post #1 will give this one more clarity.

- Asshat was always an asshat, but it took awhile for everyone to notice.
- Asshat had it made, he was in charge and no one questioned him.
- Asshat made mistakes.
- A different analyst came along to the project and began to hold him accountable.
- Asshat began sending hate mail.
- Asshat began to crumble in defeat.

Now it's time for installment #2 of the asshat chronicles of bad SEO clients, which I lovingly refer to as the anger addition.

Anyone who uses this in their subject line has anger problems:
IMPORTANT: For the love of Pete, please fix!
This was an email about the site menu "fanning out past two levels and things were duplicated" and that is was embarrassing to him. Turned out to be design snafu and the design folks fixed it quickly. At least he cared at this point...maybe...but still an ass.

Now on to more asshattery. Hate mail started to become a regular thing, but eventually the focus shifted off of their insistence of blaming us for duplicate leads and onto THEIR lack of implementation. We had a change in analyst after some time, and we began to hold him more accountable. This is when the anger kicked in.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Bad SEO Client - Asshat SEO - Ego is a bitch

Today I'd like to remember a fallen SEO - wait - he didn't deserve the title of an "SEO". But he was surely an extremely bad seo client. This guy had no idea what he was doing AND he was an asshole; thus he was named asshat. He dug his own grave and his downfall was a huge victory! 

I'd like to call this installment "ego is a bitch" because I have so much material to share on this egotistical jack ass. It was clear he had a big ego early on - way too big for his 5 foot 5 inch frame.

Rewind to early 2011, and this guy was in charge of a one month redesign project. The company prior to us had completely fucked up their one of many attempts to redesign and came crying back to us to fix it. I've learned this is a normal process for asshats. The husband-wife owners are the sweetest people alive, but they are also the dumbest internet people I've ever known - they are ignorant to the fullest and unfortunately for them, they are constantly getting screwed over and making terrible decisions for their website. 

The website gets launched extremely quickly without a lot of hiccups and they're jazzed. I go through the project with asshat for several months, and didn't notice his weird forceful antics - probably because I'm just as forceful. Then he began to complain about their lead capture form, complain about not getting email leads, complain about conversion, and complain about the VP of sales breathing down his neck. How do you tell a client everything they chose to go live with was terrible? That was their problem. They had a shitty form that asked too much information, they never planned properly for a call-to-action, and didn't ask the correct vendors to fix things (i.e. email server issues). Of course, all things that we are supposed to deal with but asshat thought he knew everything.

This was just the beginning of the madness, but exactly where it all started. I remember it got so bad to the point that they took it upon themselves to redesign the call-to-action. They had no idea what they were doing and stupidly we let them do it because asshat was so demanding. We got back control of the CTA, but asshat was still whining about conversions and forcing us to talk to the VP of sales. To this day, I have no idea why he kept making us answer to a sales guy.

Enter problem #1: Ego
I invited the sales guy to a meeting, because duh - asshat asked us to talk to him. Why was that such a problem? I don't know, but I will include what asshat wrote me right after that meeting: