Bad SEO Client Case Study - Your SEO is Complete

The following Bad SEO Client Blog post is slightly embellished for entertainment purposes… but only slightly. 

The client – we’ll call them “Super Awesome, Inc.” – needs SEO help. They sign on with us for a year. A year. One calendar year. 52 weeks, 365 days in succession. Their contract starts today; it ends a year from today. By the time we’re done with this client, we will have gone through all four seasons and we will all be a full year older. Let’s just keep that perspective in mind. Just to clarify, you, our loyal reader, are X years old as you read this. By the time this contract is done with Super Awesome, Inc., you will be X+1. That means you’ll be a full year older.

Let’s also keep in mind that Super Awesome, Inc. has spent the past 10 years fucking up their website. Buying links, stuffing keywords into alt tags, putting black text on a black background, etc. When they finally decide they need help, we say, “Great – we can help. We’ve picked apart your website a bit and see where a lot of the problems may be.” Super Awesome, Inc’s CEO – we’ll call him “Jimmy D. Bag” – signs the agreement for a year and we get to work.

We have our first meeting with them 2 weeks into the project and show them the preliminary findings on their fucked-up site. In a nice way, we tell Mr. Bag, that his site is super-awesomely fucked up. It is no longer Super Awesome as their business name implies.

“Mr. Bag, in our preliminary research, these are the numerous problems we found with your site.” 

After a few moments of uncomfortable silence and an angry sigh from their end of the conference line, Mr. Bag proceeds to ask a question which, in his mind, is a very eloquent one since he likes to think of himself as a no-nonsense, shoot-from-the-hip, tell-it-like-it-is kinda guy… not an ignorant, impatient asshole with no concept of reality. Indeed, his question is so profound in his mind that he believes he is about to turn the world of SEO on its head with his insightful revelation.

Bad client: “If you saw all these problems, why didn’t you fix them?!” 

SEO: “…Beg pardon?”

Bad client: “Jesus H- (unintelligible grunting/growling sound). We’re paying you for SEO, right?”

SEO: “Right.”

Bad client: “So, if you’re finding all these problems, why aren’t they fixed?!”

SEO: “Not following, Mr. Bag.”

Bad client: “What are we paying you for?! I don’t care what the problems are! I just want them fixed! Isn’t that what we’re paying you for?!”

SEO: “Mr. Bag, we’re two weeks into the project. This is going to take at least a year to fix – probably more.”

Bad client: “Bullshit! It can’t be that hard!”

SEO: “You’re right, Mr. Bag, it’s not. We were just kidding. We fixed everything in two weeks. Your SEO is complete.” 

Aaaaaaaaaaand…we hung up the phone. Keep sending the checks, Mr. Bag, and thanks for being another bad SEO client for the Blog.

A Bad SEO Client Jingle from SEO Project Managers

Sometimes not all clients are bad SEO clients, but it's our internal struggles that make us want to bash in our brains.

Today we couldn't get the Three's Company jingle out of our heads so decided to have a little fun and let out our frustrations....again....

Three’s Company – Project Management Version 

Come and walk in our cube… 
We’ve been avoiding you 
Where the meeting notes are hers and hers and his 
Three’s company too. 

Come and ruin our day… 
Deliver something’s that due 
It’s a stressful space you need to be put in your place 
Three’s company too. 

You’ll see that failure is chronic and clients are calling for you… 
Get in the conference room 
Three’s company too!!!

You Are a Bad Asshat SEO Client NOT Asset

ASS-HAT not ASS-ET!

Dear Asshats - You are an ASS, and your ass sits on your head - you are an asshat, not to be confused with something useful like being an asset

Asshats are prime examples of bad SEO clients.

Just Admit It - Bad SEO Clients Buy Links

This conversation is partially accurate (inflated for humorous purposes)

Sample bad SEO client conversation:
 
SEO: You bought links, right?
CLIENT: Well, we didn’t buy links – we paid an agency and they bought links… for us.
SEO: So, then, you bought links.
CLIENT: (Indignantly) I wouldn’t say that.
SEO: (Sigh) So, what would you say happened, then?
CLIENT: I already told you – we hired an agency who may have bought links and had them pointed at our site.
SEO: So then, there are links out there that point to your site that someone paid for, right?
CLIENT: Well… we didn’t tell them to buy links for us…
SEO: Right… but there are links out there on the internet that point to your site, right?
CLIENT: Right.
SEO: And some of them you earned organically, right?
CLIENT: Right.
SEO: And the others were paid for… by someone… and those paid-for links point back to your site, right?
CLIENT: Well… I don’t know if that’s accurate…
SEO (violently hits the mute button on the Polycom): “Motherfucker, you bought links! You fucked your own site, you asshole! Just admit it!” Then the SEO looks down to see that the he missed the mute button – the client heard everything. A brief moment of panic fills his bugged-out eyes while he stares at the Polycom, begging for the light to magically turn red from green… five seconds ago. While that doesn’t happen, a very uncomfortable silence fills the room. Just before the SEO has a chance to apologize, the Client speaks up.
CLIENT: “Well, okay, I guess so. But I don’t think you need to-“
SEO: “Look, I’m sorry – it’s not you. It’s just that we deal with this all the time and no one wants to admit that they bought links or had someone else buy links for them… that and I totally missed the mute button before I cussed you out. So sorry about that… but can we move forward now? Now that we all know you bought links?”

Buying links is like watching porn

I heard a comedian a long time ago – back in the days of the 976-numbers when you could call a 976 number and get charged a few bucks to hear a sexy-voiced woman (who probably looked like a wildebeest with stubble) pretend to pleasure herself to your nerdy, pathetic, nasally-voice on the phone. The comedian had the crowd going. He was on a roll, until he mentioned something to do with how everyone watches porn… and the crowd went silent, aside from a couple of golf claps and polite, laugh-like murmurs. The comedian stared down the crowd kind of angrily, and said, “Oh… right… no one else here watches porn. It’s a 10-billion dollar-a-year industry and every year I get a bill for 10-billion dollars. Fuck you people.”

Buying links is kinda like that. Just admit you did it if you did it. It’s not like you did anything uniquely wrong. Wrong, sure – but not uniquely wrong. Doing something uniquely wrong is like what the Manson Family did. Buying links, aside from being like watching porn, is also akin to professional athletes doing steroids and popping HGH pills like peanut M&Ms. You all do it; you’re all breaking the rules; you all got caught – just move on and fix the problem, already.

We see tons of clients with absolutely wretched content, let alone overall subject matter that no one would ever willingly seek out, yet they have been ranking at the top of Google for, like, ten years for all kinds of (largely-irrelevant) keyword phrases that they clearly paid for. They come to us after getting knocked in the dirt by Penguin… then they have the nerve to try to tell us they never bought any links. Here’s another analogy to help you understand how ridiculous you sound when you deny that you bought links:

500-LB PATIENT: “Doctor, I’m feeling faint, my left arm is numb and my chest feels like there’s a Buick parked on top of it. What’s wrong?”
DOCTOR: “Your symptoms sound like a heart attack. How are your eating habits? Do you exercise?”  
500-LB PATIENT: “I jog 5 miles a day and I eat exclusively lean, white-meat chicken with green leafy vegetables daily for every meal.”
DOCTOR: “Yeah… you need open-heart surgery, fatass… and put down that fucking donut when you talk to me.”

You bought links, asshole. Just admit it - you're the perfect example of a bad SEO client.

Bad SEO Clients Ask Stupid Questions - They DO Exist!

First off, I do SEO. I am an SEO expert, that means I know my shit. I didn't just wake up last Tuesday and think "Gosh, I should do SEO and offer services to random people for money." I went to school, I attended courses I spend at least 3 hours a day reading the SEO updates, for the last decade. Basically, I know my shit and I don't like to be questioned.

Are bad SEO clients becoming more frequent, and more stupider-er?

This post is an introduction to the stupidest questions that I have been asked, not in 1996 when SEO was a new and mysterious thing, but in 2013 as SEO is the standard for any business with a website. It isn't a secret society of nerds in a basement anymore, we exist, we are in the world and yes we know our shit- don't question it.

This topic could go on forever, as I have learned there are really stupid people in the world, I will however refrain from a barrage of idiocy blurted on this page, similar to my inbox from stupid clients. I will stick to a few that just, irritate me to the point of writing this post.

Stupid Question:

Q: Can I just copy content from my competitors and out rank them?
A: No, that would be copyright infringement and duplicate content which are both negatives to your overall SEO campaign.

Pretty cut and dried right? You don't see a McDonalds banner outside of Burger King, or the Burger King website promoting a BK Big Mac- that shit ain't right. 

The idiocy continued-

2nd Q: Well, if I do that anyway won't Google just punish them? How do they know that THEY didn't copy me?
2nd A: You stupid **ck, REALLY? - oh wait I didn't say that .....
2nd A a- Google indexes webpages on a continual basis, at some point prior to you taking the content, Google has more than likely already attributed that page content to your competitor and indexed their URL for that content. So yes they will know that you are the second to use the same content and you will be negatively impacted by that process, it's also quite unethical.

You'd think, the business owner would say - OH, DARN! Nope, it continued. 

3rd Q: Well, if they are outranking me based on content, I should just use parts of their content and outrank them with their own words. I don't see how a search engine would know the difference, didn't they "index" my content already too.

At this point dear readers, I opened a beer. 

3rd A:  Yes, your content and webpages have been indexed in Google the search engines know how your site looked, so when you change the content it will index the new content ( in this situation your competitors' content). Google will then index the new content on your site and will again visit your competitors' as well. When they show up as the same content a 'flag' will go up within the software that is Google. It will flag yours as new content being duplicated as old content on another site. This makes you the website that copied the content, it's NEVER a good idea.

Second beer, feet on desk - feeling completely confident that this dude won't ask another question. 

4th Q: Oh, I see. Well what if I just use the competitor who isn't in the number one spot? So, I copy the URL in the fourth or fifth spot?

The fourth answer didn't come from me, I couldn't do it. I didn't respond, I did however get drunk on green bottle German Beer and thought about becoming a brewmaster instead of doing SEO.

Bad SEO Client Made Me Cry - It Was Over Before It Even Started

I got a new project and the very same day it began, was the very same day I was taken off the project. It was over before it even started. It was over before this bad SEO client bitch even saw how much of a bitch I could be, but she beat me to the punch.

Beginning of the Bitchy End

I got a project announcement that said it would be release to start the next day. I was swamped so I did not reach out to the bitch until a day after the official start date. We schedule a call by the end of the week and she sends over all of her background information. While I'm coordinating the call I'm in another meeting. Bitch states that she will send over what we need before the call. My brain does not remember that we already got everything we needed and I mistakenly tell her it would be helpful if we got everything before the call. I also did not answer a question she had in the email. This really pissed the bitch off and emailed me back saying that she was up until 2am sending me everything and I did not confirm I got it. Then hastily asked me to respond to her other question.

Bitchy Project Efficiency

This is what I refer to as efficiency. No matter how efficient I think I'm being - it backfires. And boy did the bitch rage backfire. I decided to call her back and just apologize and I sincerely thought it would work. I thought this would be ok, but I was already in a fragile state of a shitty busy week. She was still very concerned and she was not at all understanding of my mistake. She was appalled and what I had done and didn't think I would be a good match for the project. I again apologized and said this never happens and we hung up. I knew she'd call the boss next.

After the call I knew I was doomed, I stormed out of the office and cried. The bitch made me cry. You should feel sorry for me.

Bitch Problems

The boss talked to the bitch and filled me in on what her fuckin' problems were. She claimed accounting told her she'd get a call on Monday. The project was released on Tuesday, first contact made on Wednesday, and first call scheduled for Friday. The bitch should be grateful for that. However, we came to learn that she was pissed for two main reasons that I had no control over:

1. did not get her call on Monday
2. she was losing $500/day because of her shitty site

So with that, the project was reassigned because I was the "bitch"....ironic...

Bad SEO Client - Asshat SEO - Caught in a Bad Situation

This is the third installment of the Bad asshat SEO client chronicles. Full versions of installments 1 and 2 can be read in full if desired.

But if you're just jumping in, the recap for both are below:

Recap 1:
- Asshat was always an asshat, but it took awhile for everyone to notice.
- Asshat had it made, he was in charge, and no one questioned him.
- Asshat made mistakes.
- A different analyst came along to the project and began to hold him accountable.
- Asshat began sending hate mail.
- Asshat began to crumble in defeat.

Recap 2:
- Asshat was not doing his job
- Asshat was lying to us
- Asshat was lying to his boss and throwing us under the bus
- Asshat was caught & got more angry

After asshat began to crumble, his stories started to deteriorate very quickly and he was in a bad situation, he was being a VERY bad SEO client. He would say he knew what needed to be done on the call; then he'd send an email to one person asking for help. And help was exactly what he needed, and we all knew it. He needed help moving on! He turned from defensive to helpless and depression began to sit in. I know this because I watched his Google Plus updates. Maybe if he could manage his attitude like Dale Carnegie methods taught him; then maybe he'd figure out HE was the problem.

He was also very proud of being "one of the first Google+ adopters". I think at one point he called himself a Google+ innovative consultant. Based on his profile he is clearly very proud of himself and thinks his shit don't stink. I also remember at one point he showed redesign comps to his Google+ circles for feedback....because honestly, why wouldn't these innovators have some good advice? He was all proud of himself again. No one acknowledged that email.

Soon the owner began to ask more questions during meetings and via email and was finally getting the hint that Mr. Asshat wasn't doing his job. Multiple times we politely told him that what asshat was saying was simply not true and showed him screenshots. This put asshat in a really bad situation.